It Starts with a Cat…

Today’s thoughts begin with a cat. With five cats in my household, I may or may not be the crazy cat lady you’ve heard about, but cats are certainly part of my life. There’s a picture book in my library titled, “They All Saw a Cat.” In the book, a cat walks through the world and various other characters simply watch it pass. The story is in how each of the other characters view the cat- a mouse, from its perspective sees a large, intimidating creature, a fox sees lunch, a child sees a cuddly friend. This simple story illustrates our next important lesson: our experiences in the world shape how we see the world, and the expectations we have about it. You may see cats differently from the way I see cats if you are allergic to cats, or if you live on a farm and stray cats are a nuisance, or if you are strictly a dog person (I forgive you).
There’s something in psychology called “social thinking”. Social thinking is how we think about other people – how we see them and how we want them to see us. Let’s suppose you are in an elevator. The door opens, and another person steps in. You probably automatically step to the side, giving the person a bit of space between you. You are doing social thinking. You’re thinking about what the other person may be thinking. You don’t want the other person to think you’re rude, right? You’ve made a guess about what that person may be thinking based on what you have experienced in elevators in the past. We do social thinking all the time. Our brains try to make sense of what others are saying, doing and thinking by using memory, conscious or unconscious, of experiences we have already had.
Now, let’s take a little walk in the shoes of someone I know, and I’ll let you in on some secrets I’ve learned from him. My son is transgender. If you want to know how I feel about that, you can read my Facebook post from a couple years ago HERE:

(Go ahead. I don’t mind waiting.)
Ok, so what I have learned over the years from having a transgender child is how different his experience in this world is from my own. I’ll tell you 2 true stories, and you may imagine the world looking through his eyes.T he first happened when he was 18 years old, before he, or we, had figured out that he was in the wrong body, when he was still interacting in the world as she. I was going through treatment for breast cancer, and she had shaved her head in solidarity. There came a day when the household needed food, but I was unable to muster the strength to do the shopping. My kid volunteered. We made a list, and off s/he went to do the family shopping for the first time solo. As s/he is pushing a cart around the grocery store, dressed in her EMT uniform, a man approaches. “Excuse me,” he said, “but are you a girl or a boy?” Taken aback, my kid answered, “I’m a girl.” (I must explain that I have no idea what mental health issues this man might have been dealing with, and warn you that I am going to use the words he used that day.) The man then went on a tirade that began, “You dykes disgust me.” And he continued, completely unprovoked, to belittle my kid, who had no idea how to respond.
The second story happened on a family vacation in Washington DC, also before his transition to male. We were standing in line for a public restroom, my kid and I, chatting quietly. A woman was standing a few people behind us, with a girl about 5 years of age in tow. As we waited for our turn in line, the woman pointed to my kid and announced loudly to the child, “You don’t want to grow up like that, do you?”
I could go on. The thing is, no one has ever talked to me in the way I’ve seen people talk to my kid. My expectations of the world are shaped by the experiences I have had in the world, and his expectations are shaped by his own experiences. I thank God for giving my son the strength of character to rise above those experiences and live a purpose-filled existence as his best self. In the same way, dark-skinned people have expectations of the world, based on experiences they may have had …hearing car doors lock, seeing ladies holding their purses a little closer when they walk past… As we talked about with the playing cards lesson, bias based on skin color/appearance can manifest in the most unconscious ways.
How does this apply to churches? You see, LGBTQ persons, dark skinned persons, they carry expectations based on the experiences they have had in the world. I may walk into a church and expect to be treated with kindness and respect, because that’s what I have come to expect from the world. Imagine if you are a person who has been attacked by strangers/politicians, and maybe even your own family, because of who you are or how you look. How different would your expectations when attending an unfamiliar church be? There may be a sign over the door announcing “ALL ARE WELCOME”, but for some, past experience may add the words, “EXCEPT ME.”
The challenge we are faced with in today’s church is, how do we teach people who have come to expect judgement and rejection in their daily lives that our church is a safe space for them? How do we live out Jesus’ command to “Go ye into the world and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit” in a world divided by hate and injustice? It is a question with no easy answers, but here at St. Matthias, we are doing our best to find answers together.